Demrahc
by Katriona
Summary: A skewered (or, more accurate, depending on your outlook) version of the show we all know and... um.. tolerate. Barely.


Demrahc: A skewered version of the show we all know and... um... tolerate. Barely.  
  
Summary: It's a parody. What more summary do you need?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters/people. I just mock them.  
  
A/N: This is pretty obvious, but I know there's at least one moron out there who won't get this. PhoeLyssa=Phoebe/Alyssa. I thought it would be easier to combine them into one. I mean, can anyone even tell where one stops and the other begins anymore?  
  
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Narrator: As PhoeLyssa is coming down the stairs, modeling this episode's HookerWear of the Week...  
  
PhoeLyssa: Um, excuse me? It's kind of cold in here. Can I go change into something that actually resembles clothing? Or at least put on a bra?  
  
Narrator: It's a miracle! I mean... oh, um, yes.  
  
PhoeLyssa: Thanks.  
  
Narrator: My pleasure. Now, as I was saying... As PhoeLyssa is coming downstairs, wearing a floor-length, drab number that looks like it's right from Little House on the Prarie...  
  
Kern: Hey! Hold it right there! Do you have any idea what you're doing?  
  
Narrator: Enlighten me.  
  
Kern: You're making it that much harder for me to fabricate a reason to get PhoeLyssa stripped down to her undies under the guise of a thinly-veiled non-plot!  
  
Narrator: Tough.  
  
Kern: (whining) But now I can't turn a once-excellent show into a weekly hour of soft porn!  
  
Narrrator: Deal. Or, better yet, go take a nice walk off the Golden Gate Bridge.  
  
Kern: Okay.  
  
Narrator: Now, as PhoeLyssa was walking down the stairs, her ex-husband, staleplotline!Cole, pops in.  
  
staleplotline!Cole: Raaaaaaaaaawr. I am the mighty Cole, shell-of-what-used-to-be-a-really-decent-character. Fear me.  
  
PhoeLyssa: Haven't I vanquished your ass yet?  
  
Narrator: Then Piper walks in, sees her former brother-in-law, and starts whining.  
  
Piper: Damnit, Cole, you were supposed to stay dead the last time!  
  
staleplotline!Cole: I was? But... Kern said...  
  
Piper: Kern, put the crack away and get your stoned ass down here, now.  
  
Narrator: Um... he's temporarily unavailable. And anyway, we don't have time to listen to you bitch at him.  
  
Piper: We don't?  
  
Narrator: No. Because here's the part where Paige comes out.  
  
Paige: Cole, why are you here?  
  
staleplotline!Cole: To kill you, that's why.  
  
Narrator: Cole uses one of the many powers he's acquired at the wasteland, and throws Paige down the basement stairs to her death. Piper is overcome by violent sobs at the sight of her half-sister crumpled on the basement floor, dead. PhoeLyssa shruggs indifferently and stares stupidly off into space.  
  
PhoeLyssa: (whining) When are you going to start focusing on me again?  
  
Piper: Stop whining, bitch, that's my job.  
  
PhoeLyssa: Don't call me a bitch, just because the show is all about me and you're jealous... (sticks out her tongue).  
  
Piper: If I can't vanquish Cole, and I can't vanquish -- I mean bitch at -- Kern, can I at least vanquish her?  
  
Narrator: Much as we'd all love to be rid of her, not this fic. Besides, you have to go meet your other sister.  
  
Piper & PhoeLyssa: (whining) Oh, God, another one???  
  
Narrator: Yes. Be nice, Pia's coming out now.  
  
Pia: Howdy. I'm your new sister. I was Paige's fraternal twin, but I orbed out before we were born. Actually, we might have been triplets. That depends on whether or not I get killed off.  
  
PhoeLyssa: Oh, don't worry. You'll get on fine here. Unless of course you fail to realize that I am to be the center of attention at all times, or you get more popular than me. Then, of course, I'll have to kill you.  
  
Pia: Of course.  
  
Piper: Can I vanquish her now? Please?  
  
Narrator: No. Maybe later, but only if you let me help.  
  
Piper: Yay!  
  
Pia: Wait, I thought we were here to vanquish Cole...  
  
Narrator: Right you are. And we'd better do that fast, because this fic is almost over. Ladies, say the spell.  
  
Piper, PhoeLyssa, & Pia: Abracadabra!  
  
Narrator: With that all-powerful magic word, Cole vanished in a puff of purple smoke.  
  
Piper: You mean all we had to do was say 'abracadabra'?  
  
Narrator: Yes.  
  
Piper: So why didn't we figure that out before PhoeLyssa killed Prue, and the show turned into a season and a half of watching PhoeLyssa and Cole make out?  
  
Narrator: Because Kern was writing and smoking crack at the same time again. I told him not to do that. (heavy sigh) He really should listen to me. Isn't it better when I run the show?  
  
Piper: Yes. Yes, it is. Now, can you do something about that useless, dull, irritating husband of mine? Pretty please?  
  
Narrator: Ah, that's another parody entirely....  
  
The end. 


End file.
